The Pickle Jar Syndrome/Defense


For a smart girl (if I shall be so bold to consider myself smart in some sense) I cannot do the stupidest things —like open the filing cabinet at work with a key.  In my defense, clocking in at 5’2” and a little less angles me just below the lock at the top.  But my boss and I figured it out; I will just have to hold the key high (and what she does not know is that I will also have to tip a little on my toes). So I dub this conundrum: the Pickle Jar Syndrome (or defense—depending on the scenario). 

*Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society I call this story, The Tale of the Pickle Jar Defense. 

I mean, it is kind of a cliché at this point, but how many times have you been victim to, or had to be the hero for, or saw that really stupid bimbo-blonde actress struggling to open a Pickle Jar (or any type of jar or bottle for that matter)?  Opening bottles and things is an everyday task that many fully functioning people cannot perform.  I cannot open those twistable beer bottles, mainly because they hurt my poor pure pristine porcelain hands, but also because I actually just cannot open them.*  Simple as that.  And it is so simple!  And you say, “What’s wrong with me!  There must be something wrong with my kinesthetics.”  Wrong!  Nothing is wrong with you; you are smart!  It is those things you are trying to open on the other hand that are the stupid ones.  Hello, Jeopardy! has a whole category called, "Stupid Answers" devoted to a similar phenomenon such as this.  
Here is an actual transcript of one of Jeopardy!’s "Stupid Answers":
Alex Trebek, “Answer: This Stephen King novel says, ‘There was a clown in the stormdrain ... it was a clown, like in the circus or on TV’ ”
Ian, “What is ‘IT’? ”**

** Hint: the answers to the Stupid Answers questions (or in Jeopardy! terms, the questions to the answers) is mostly always in the clue.
* here is a new trick I just learnt on how to open those beer bottle things, use a paper towel as a buffer.

So I work as a doctor’s assistant at an OB/GYN.  During an examination the doctor will ask for a dab of jelly.  For a month I could not open those fucking packets.  I ripped off one rippled edge to squeeze the lube, but it would only get all over my latex gloves (that actually aren’t latex).  The doctor would say squeeze it to the bottom first so it is easier to open, but that missed my head also and flew right above it.  I finally mastered the art of opening a packet of jelly without getting it all over, but I have to think about it before hand.  It will never be a task I can do naturally, without actively thinking about it.

So next time I am slamming the lid of that pickle jar against the counter so it shatters, I will put the pickles in a plastic container where it is easier to get to them anyway.  Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of it before?

Here is a video from Ellen Degeneres' Here & Now, start at 6:00 or else you will be asking yourselves, "How is this relevant?"  But most importantly, just enjoy a master at work!



      

The Boy Stuck in a Pickle

Did you hear about the kid who was stuck in a pickle?
(Either he shrunk himself or expanded a little pickle)

He climbed in through a green pimple, thinking it was a periscope
and fell into the putrid smelling slimy juice;

and when he slid down the invertebrate pickle’s spine,
he popped out of a pore on the other side. 


      

UPDATE:  A list of some other things I cannot do: 


                    * THE SPOCK HAND!!!   

although, I tried again just recently 

and found that my left hand finally 

picked up the talents of Sir Spock 


*And I cannot whistle either — a hidden shame.
   I cannot do this!!

or this:
   I cannot whistle while I work.


And I certainly cannot do this:  
                                                

*BONUS: When I was little I thought snapping was flicking.  
But when I saw what everyone else was doing I switched gears and taught myself how to snap.  
And that is how I became the amazing snapper that I am today.   

 

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