Lulu’s Loose Screw

Ski masks should be illegal.  Sure, they keep you warm on a day like Jan 25 th , 2013, but when you are on the train and the only other person on that cart with you is a man in a Yankee hat, black leather jacket, and jet-black ski mask, you tend to rethink your position on the article of clothing.  Especially if the ski masks look like this:                                                              or this: The only time ski masks are allowed are if you are wearing one of these guys: Or else this is your reality:

It all started with someone’s status on Facebook being, “Nook or Kindle?” and me writing back, “Book.” The status writer cleverly or stupidly spat, “I think you spelt Nook wrong.  And anyway I am just looking to read, no fancy stuff.” So I remarked, “Like I said, Book!” Later I told my dad the story inserting, “I need to turn pages!” as my reasoning for a book being the victor of a very pointless competition.    “And if he wants to read to just read, why get a nook at all?” I continued.  “He can’t say he read a book then, he just looked at a screen.  That's worse than scanning a book.”  I told my dad, “It’s like when you were reading audio books; you didn’t read them, you had them read to you .  You listened to a book, but you certainly did not read one.” My dad said, “Screw you,” probably, and asked, “Then what would you say about a blind person reading a book?” “Oh, that’s easy," I said.  “They felt a book up!”

For a smart girl (if I shall be so bold to consider myself smart in some sense) I cannot do the stupidest things —like open the filing cabinet at work with a key.  In my defense, clocking in at 5’2” and a little less angles me just below the lock at the top.  But my boss and I figured it out; I will just have to hold the key high (and what she does not know is that I will also have to tip a little on my toes). So I dub this conundrum: the Pickle Jar Syndrome (or defense—depending on the scenario).  *Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society I call this story, The Tale of the Pickle Jar Defense.  I mean, it is kind of a cliché at this point, but how many times have you been victim to, or had to be the hero for, or saw that really stupid bimbo-blonde actress struggling to open a Pickle Jar (or any type of jar or bottle for that matter)?  Opening bottles and things is an everyday task that many fully functioning people cannot perform.  I cannot open those tw