Lulu’s Loose Screw

There is a reason I do not call for people when they are across the street from me; to save myself from humiliation when I realize I am calling out the name of a person who is not even there, and who I was just make-believing I was seeing. You instantly become that idiot who is screaming random names out loud that no one is answering to. You sound something like this: Here are other reasons I never call for people across the street: *I had this friend in high school who wore her hair in a ponytail everyday, she also wore a red Jansport knapsack.  One day she was wearing a brown shirt, and as I was walking to my last class of the day I saw her—brown hair in a ponytail, red backpack wrapped around her shoulders, and that brown-colored shirt. So I called her name, no response, I called her name again, the same nothing as a reply. So finally I said, “Yo, Bitch,” and took my fist to her backpack and slammed it down. The girl that turned around was not my friend, ...

The traffic light was red and the halting hand was solid orange.  There was still seconds to spare, so I walked across the two-inch stretch of street. My right side was against the light with my left pressed closer to the cars.  I was looking ahead so I did not see when the light switched green.  But I’m a New Yorker, we don’t wait for the light to change.  I felt a car moving closer. I walked faster, out of the way, mumbling, run over me, why don’t ya!  Through whatever music was vibrating in my ears at the time I heard the man behind the steering wheel shouting, “Watch where you’re walking!” And I got to laughing; I guess this man never heard that the pedestrian always has the right of way!   Even though sometimes they really don’t—when they are crossing Death Boulevard—but what I did was harmless, and he really could have waited the half nanosecond it took to get out of his way.   The other saying goes, the customer is a...

Yup, I stepped in dog shit alright. And my mother always said, “Step in shit and you get good luck.”  No, no, you get nothing but that foul smell following you around all day, and that is horseshit ! So then I thought, why would someone say that to someone? What made someone like my mom come up with that phrase in the first place? Simple really, the person who invented that bullshit was only trying to make the one who stepped in shit see the bright side of it. And the same thing for bird shit. Oh, a bird just shit a little in your hair? Aw, he just gave you luck for the rest of the day! Oh, the bird shit again in your mouth? Bull’s-eye! Best day ever for you! I ask ya, what is the bright side of shit—is it like the dark side of the moon? Maybe one day you will wake up and have metamorphosed into a piece of shit. And guess what mommy will say? “Aw, honey, you are my good luck charm!” But anyway the day turned out to be alright. ...