The Second Screw: The Taboo of Pooping

*Warning this post contains unfiltered material, so I may lose some of you.  Some things may be funny, others scary, and some might make you turn your head and shake away your cries.  But hey, I got a screw loose, right!?  

I never understood why pooping should be such a taboo.  Why don’t we talk about it?  There are some hilarious stories or circumstances that arise while sitting on the toilet.  And as we all remember since childhood, everybody poops!  Here is my proof:

Maybe I’ll write my own book, The Poop Chronicles, like The Vagina Monologues. I will go around to people and ask them their poop stories, their shit tales.  I have a play idea too, about the Poop Bandit—who makes public pooping something that happens in a public bathroom to something that happens on the front lawns of college universities.

Here are a few more poop truths:

*I once pooped out a sword

*I once pooped out the Titanic; it split in half and one section sunk as the other swam

*There was this one time, in Israel, where I was on the toilet pooping.  I kept hearing a soft chirping sort of noise that would only go off as I pushed the poop on out.  And when I would stop, so would the sound.  It was the third or fifth time I heard that sound when suddenly it was no longer in sync with my shitting.  I looked upward and saw a window near the ceiling, and there was a bird kneeling by the opening, yapping its beak off.

*My mom has this tall toilet seat due to her most recent surgery, and when pooping the water plops up like missiles in an ocean war.

*When I went to school in Oswego I had this long, puffy, brown winter jacket for the blizzard like winters I would have to prepare for (and not live with)—do you already see the picture I am setting up for you?  I was in the cafeteria, I was leaving actually, and I went over to say hi to a friend.  I said, “Don’t I look like a snowman of mud?”  This girl sitting at the table decided to say, “No, you look like a piece of shit.”  And the thing was I did indeed!  And that bitch was trying to get a rise out of me, wasn’t she? So I remarked back, “You are right!”  And laughed while I said, “I look like Mr. Hankey; all I need is a Christmas hat!” 

*The earliest yarn of poop was in kindergarten.

I went to the bathroom during naptime, but when I got back to my mat I still had to go, but we were only allowed to go once—as I recall, or remember thinking in my young baby mind—so I stayed squirming on the mat, not sleeping, eyes wide awake, uncomfortable.  When naptime was over minutes later, which felt like hours, and the lights were on and we were all sitting, blinking in our seats, waiting for sticker time, I felt it happen.  Not pee, not doodie, but warm diarrhea sliding' down my shorts!

Sticker time was when the teacher rewarded the good nappers with stickers in their sticker book, which each student would retrieve from the back of the room.  Well this day I got a sticker—for being so darn good and shitty.  So the teacher called my name.  But I couldn’t move.  She called my name again.  I turned to the boy next to me and said, “Go get my book and get my stickers for me!”  I know I must have ordered it, and possibly barked out a "Please!" (But, hello! I was sitting with shit in my pants!)  Luckily, he obeyed.  When he was standing in front of my teacher with a quizzical face, she called my name again.  After I said, "I can't get up," she got the hint and came over to ask me what happened.  And you all know what did, so this is boring now.  But the story ends with my mother coming to the school to change me in the green, girl’s bathroom.  And I remember smiling and rocking my dangling wiped-clean-of-diarrhea legs back and forth on the radiator.

And for the record, I am not ashamed of this!

Before I go, here is list of some methods one should use to deal with constipation:

*hold the bottom of the bowl or grab the edges of your sink

*squeeze out noises to match the pushing you are trying to accomplish, straining the ligaments in your neck, even though the noises do not make it any easier, or the neck thing that you got goin' on

*ask for someone to lend you their hand to grab in this dire situation.  You will need a partner to get through this!

*bounce up and down to give yourself the force—whatever that means

*bang your thighs and other parts of your body with your fists, purely out of frustration, but also as a way to cope with the fact that you have a piece of shit that won’t budge out of your ass.

*when all else fails, resort to cursing in another language—because English, or whatever your first language is, is just not cutting it, and neither is the swears involving biblical references.
I use Spanish: “Ay dios mio!” “Coño!” “Puto Maricón!”

Well, folks, that just about wraps it up.  If you were offended by any of this shit, well then get on that fucking toilet and tell me your shit tale!  Don’t tell me you don’t got one either because EVERYBODY POOPS!

even queens poop 

*Feel like some more shit? What a Load of Crap!